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I expected maybe a one liner, but…

Hey dude, that’s an easy one…..
Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Borrow money from a pessimist — they don’t expect it back.
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Never answer an anonymous letter.
It’s lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
Always go to other people’s funerals, or they won’t go to yours.
Few women admit their age; few men act it.
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Campers: Nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes.
Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
You can’t have everything; where would you put it?
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
Mate did you get my package?
Peace out hommie dawg….