Mission: Letter to Dad Lassie’s breath, Ricky bobby’s floor stain

By Billy Harris

Hey Dad, I am ok. But I can’t walk. I tweetered my back a couple days ago doing McNastys which on film look a lot like mc floppers, in a super star. So I went down to film Carly at the hole and I tried hiding on Fiji, Ruth’s dog and ended up on the ground not able to move. We are dog sitting for Ruth while she’s in Costa Rica. I managed to get my coat off and to wave it at Carly for about an hour before she decided that I was in trouble. The dog was great, tried to sit on me of all things and kept doing laps around me, every other lap she tried sitting on me. While I was waving my jacket at carly and pushing the dog off I managed to sack myself so hard with my ipod. I almost cried it hurt so much. I guess my I pod was in my pocket. So I moved it to my other jacket pouch pocked in my Jackson fleece. Started swinging my jacket around again almost hit myself again with the cell phone in the other pocket. By Then as I was laughing, (yes I still laugh when I hurt or am going to hurt) the dog gave up trying to sit on me and went to attempting to lick my face during all this. Not a big deal you say.. The dog likes eating horse poop and pretty much every other kind of pop she comes across. So I am trying to defend myself against Knarly breath, holding my crotch, laughing which made my back hurt more, waving my jacket from a rock outcropping at my wife. WHO was of course waving back at me as cute as she could form the other side of the river? It was my own personal hell I could barely keep the dog at bay for much longer. The only reprieve was that the dog disappeared to find carly for me which was good cuz I coun’t defend against that tongue any longer. I kept thinking Lassie never smelled like, or if so I missed that episode that’s for sure, but she was trying in her defense. Fiji (aka the poo bandit) tried to get carly, by swimming over to her across the river. Kind of cool I am not goanna lie that dog loves me and Ruth (dogs owner) might not get it back.

Chris Wing and Carly (my hero’s) made a stretcher out of paddles a tarp and a thermarest. They carried me up a huge hill. You know how I hate help of any kind, no matter how much I need it so my ego took a terrible beating. Not just cause my head was against Chris’s butt the whole way neither. I could have just passed out at every pick up and drop. They were awesome. I asked for a chiropractor. Carly made a couple calls and decided on “RICKY WAYNE” The Chiropractor. I have to say he was a bit redneck, all I could think of was “Ricky Bobby” In Talladega nights. They dragged me in from the car and dumped me on his desk. I warned them I needed to pee before all this but the doc in hurry and me being Pee shy pushed an urgent bladder for later, I told em. “I really got to go,” I kept saying. Then Ricky Bobby told me to stand. Well that didn’t work out at all. Stand of all things…. I gave em 5 seconds. He blew it fiddling round with his wind up X ray machine. I told them I was going to pass out, got that milky warm feeling all over when someone plants one on your chin, minus the teeth clattering together. Apparently I pee’d myself as well Ricky bobby has something to remember me by. It was Pretty wicked actually. I never peed myself before that, well that I remember. Serves him right, I told him I had to pee.

SO down went the clown twitching away. They decided to send me to the bathroom after this. Ricky Bobby got a great shot of my back, right in the middle of the shot MY IPOD. Useless…. Broke a phobia in the process, you know…. find the positive here. Yep Carly watched me pee…. This time in the bathroom. It was liberating to be over a phobia, feels great to be out from under that boot. So they hooked me up with no drugs, and no help at all. Carried me back out to the table, made me stand up again. They had 5 seconds and down the clown went again. I know that I should have said something funny. You know been the cool guy or something. NOPE. Out I went again. But the upside was the attention I got. Carly served me like a king for a couple days till I coun’t milk it any longer. I am getting better. Parked on an ice pack watched enough CSI to become one of the team. OH and lets get this off my chest. THAT CSI MIAMI GUY. What a dork. David Caruso sucks, if he takes them cheap sunglasses off again, ohhh it hurts to watch him on TV. He should be on all my children or something. They should kill him off; I’d watch that episode that’s for sure….

Week later:
OK I am better kind of, Carly tore her ribs, Clay pulled his ribs out too, the dog tried running with Carly today and won’t get off the floor. I like that animal but I think that Carly killed it. Were all broken, an ad for painkillers we should buy in bulk. Well Clay and I should carly won’t touch the stuff. I am on total idiot lockdown, for the first time I am a 34 year old trapped in a 34 year old body. I can in no way make her laugh, being an idiot for her entertainment is completely out. I’m a clown caught in a mans body dad. Its killing me. Ahhh Spring. Great time of year, injuries, colds flu’s.

Billy Harris