A Jesse Coombs Rebuttal

By Jez

So after reading Jesse Coombs awesome in depth report about how and what to bring on a kayaking trip to South America, I thought it would be a good idea to do the same for a trip to Australia……

What to bring on a Kayaking trip to Australia

1. A big gun.
You need something fairly high powered as the crocks here will keep attacking after hit by a small bullet.

2. A back up smaller hand gun
You need to get to your gun fast and getting access to your high powered rifle is time consuming when a crock is munching on your bow. Remember aim for the head and keep shooting, a crocodile’s brain is about the size of a walnut.

3. Vegemite
This is Australian chocolate and you need to take some of this stuff. Smear some of it on your face and cheeks, the smell for some reason fends off drop bears. Drop bears are a small marsupial bear like creature that hide in trees and drops down on it’s prey, clawing at your face region. Loves to re-arrange your nose and eyes.

4. An Australian flora and fauna encyclopedia.
You need to know which plants and animals can kill you. For example one plant in the northern part of the country injects cyanide into unsuspecting passers by that touch its prickly leaves.

5. A denture set
There are numerous Australian ‘hicks’ equivalent and simply by giving them the gift of a denture set, you will gain instant god status allowing you to paddle on their land as none of them seem to have any teeth.

6. An EPIRB
At least one of your boating trips is going to end up with you being winched out by helicopter. May as well help those guys out with a tracking device.

7. A box of matches
You can signal local Aboriginal Elders with the use of a few smoke signals if required.

8. A change of underwear
Try using disposable underwear, it just makes things easier when you run the un-walkable pin spots.

9. A knife
Don’t skimp on size, remember as we all know size does matter. Not only can you score dinner by using your knife on small animals but you will undoubtedly be able to use the term "Now that’s not a knife, this is a knife" on slow ‘Yanks’ (Americans).

10. Plenty of ammo
Don’t forget to have your firearm locked and loaded, the last thing you want to do is to fiddle around with this stuff when you need it.

11. Don’t eat the red berries.
Do I need to explain the story of the yak trip that was cancelled due to someone eating the red berries. Needless to say, I saw the berries again 10 mins later along with the rest of my insides……and they didn’t come back up the mouth way.

12.Boating stuff
Lastly if you have room, your boat, paddle helmet, PFD etc. Only if you have the space for it though as the above items are way more important.

jez
Jackson Kayak Coordinator of Karma