I have realized lately that my days of trying to paddle the hardest whitewater I can are over. I accept this with both some sadness and some relief. There was a time when I felt I needed to prove that women were just as good paddlers as men and that each time I went to the river I was wholly representing my gender .Well thanks to many incredibly talented women boaters out there, we know that we are as “good” as the men. And I would argue that “good” and level of difficulty are not necessarily directly related. (What does that rather non descript word ”good” even mean when it comes to a kayaker….well that’s a whole different post) But I won’t deny that sense of “duty” to demonstrating this lingers.

I still do find the riverside assumptions that my male partner MUST be a stronger paddler than I and MUST have introduced me to the sport infuriating (false and false). But when I just don’t want to run something because it scares me or I just don’t feel like it, I am more at peace with that decision. And when I want to paddle class III all weekend, I don’t feel like I need to apologize. The sense I have of those decisions shedding light poorly on womenfolk is fading. And I am learning that doing what is right for you, sharing your love of the river, and teaching others is really more admirable than getting super sendy anyway. This shift could be my age, it could be changing priories, it could be knowing one too many people’s lives who have ended in the river. But the reason doesn’t really matter.

These days I go paddling for fun. Well I have always gone paddling for fun. But having once earned the nickname “Extreme,” I really feel no need to live up to that anymore and it feels somewhat freeing. I would rather be 75 and paddling class III than 35 and nursing that pit of the stomach, nausea that can come on when you run something high consequence. Yes, this feeling is what can also lead to a huge feeling of elation when you reach the bottom, but I can get that level of stoke in other ways too. What has become clear is that the biggest reasons I love paddling are the places I get to spend time, the people I get to paddle with and yes the fun and splash and grace and challenge and athleticism of it too. Looking cool or reaching some paddling height has faded in importance to me.

It’s easy for me to say I don’t feel this pressure anymore so you shouldn’t either! Maybe you never felt that pressure and maybe it is hard for you not to feel it or some other pressure. The arc of each of our paddling careers is different. But all I want to do is nudge a little support your way if you’ve ever felt that you need to prove something when they get on the water. Remember: Whitewater Kayaking is a recreational sport. And you are a whitewater kayaker whether you crossed your first eddy line yesterday or just won the North Fork Race. Whatever it is about kayaking that puts a smile on your face that is what you should foster, nothing else. There are no other reasons to do it! So go out and have a day that makes you feel happy whatever that looks like. And I will continue to be grateful for any day on the water and work to find a comfortable balance of fun and challenge with a whole lot of stunning places and warm community mixed in.