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Its the false fears I have that have taken me from paddling.  I have stepped back because of them, scared.  I fear loosing, I fear that it will take all my resources away, even hurt my family etc etc.  I have built up many false walls around me to stop me from the thing that I love, kayaking, skimming on water, retained in a hydrolic filled with potential power.  When you do feal this kind of fear, it eats away at your soul, tears you down one piece at a time one small bit, by one small bit.  Your words become darker, your mind wanders to that place that claims that you should be something you are not, something that you should be.  The whole time you are not just becoming someone else, but hurting your self while building up a cage around you. I have made, hills to climb that weren’t there, bars, barriers, that are all there in my mind but are as false as my fear.  But I have built these walls up, they sorround me now. I take full responsibility, sabotaging myself one misspoken word at at time, one ridiculous decision at a time.

This year will be about my long journey back.  I built these walls, now in 2012, I will begin to tear these walls all down.  I am not claiming that I will come back in 2012 and become world champion.  I am not claiming that this is something I can do, well not yet.!  But I am saying that one decision at a time I will reclaim my mind, my heart.  I want to find the old passion, deep buring desire to be better every day.  I invite you to join me on this new mission, I can’t say that I will be successful.  I can’t even say that I will be able to break these walls down.  From where I stand they look tall, thick with my fears.  However here I stand, sledge in hand.

one great reason to be better.

So it begins.



Read more here
Mission: War With Billy a long road back.